Intimacy, Sex, and Worship

In a Jewish wedding ceremony, there is a chuppah. A chuppah is a sheet of fabric that is held over the bride and the groom. It represents the bond that is being formed between the two--one where such things as "for better or worse, richer or poorer, and in sickness and health" are pledged to one another. The chuppah is a symbol of the intimacy that is being made between the bride and the groom. The chuppah is taken into the marriage chamber and put above the husband and wife before they consummate the marriage (or, as Frank put it Sunday--basket weaving). The chuppah symbolizes the intimacy that is established between the husband and wife.

In the wedding covenant, intimacy and sex are bound together. Husbands and wives pledge themselves to one another, stating things like "to have and to hold, for richer and poorer". There is also a commitment of sexual holiness between one another.

If people lived out these commitments, I believe the world would be a better place. I believe there would be much more joy, because sex at that point is more than just a feeling or something you do. It is a celebration of the relationship.

Unfortunately, in our culture we are distracted by so many things. The intimacy of relationship and sex is cheapened for feeling, thrill, and experiences. Sex has lost its intimate nature. It has become a way to sell things and to give us pleasure. It is something people do now, sometimes as a precursor to relationship, as Walter shared about a couple of weeks ago.

We also overload ourselves with relationships. We live in a culture where we need to know what is going on everywhere. We are connected to Facebook so we can see into the lives of the people we went to school with, and the people we work with. We also share everything about our lives--what we are eating, where we are at, what we are feeling, the frustrations we have. We have no desire to have deep relationship with them, we simply want to "share" information.

In all of this, we have cheapened our understanding of intimacy. We have lost our concept of what private space is. We have lost the depth of what sex between a husband and a wife should be. We have made a mess of our marriages and our relationships.

Now, I know what you are thinking, "What does all of this have to do with worship?" Worship comes from the word worth-ship. The idea is attributing worth to something. Examples of attributing worth can be seen all over. When you put on an MSU shirt, you are attributing worth the green and white. If you have pride in the car that you drive, you attribute worth.

Take that concept and connect it to the first of the 10 Commandments: You shall have no other Gods before Me. In a few short words, God gives us a framework for living. Attribute everything you are to God. If you look at the next 9 commandments, you can see how God is calling Israel to reorient their lives with him as the center. He wants nothing between them and him. He desires intimacy. He desires devotion. He desires commitment.

What if we were to take those statements into our relationships? What if we had devotion and commitment for one another? What if rather than distracting ourselves with this and that, we were to put down our phones and have real conversations where we look into the eyes of the other person? What if lived our lives to attribute worth to our husbands and wives? What if we were to restore the intimacy of the chuppah?

My hunch is that there would be much more joy in our relationships. There would be more depth and weight to how we worship God. And, I bet the "basket weaving" that happens between a husband and wife would be more than a feeling, exchange, or fantasy. It wouldn't just be an experience for pleasure alone. It would be a husband and wife experiencing intimacy, connection, unity, and joy.

Perspectives From a Dad

Thinking about having “the talk” with my son feels the same as watching Jaws for the first time.  Da-Dum.  Da-Dum…  It’s scary and I can’t get away!  I know it’s just a mechanical shark and no one actually got hurt, so why is talking to my son about sex such a frightening ordeal?  I think the fear originates in feeling ill equipped or unprepared.  What do my kids need to know?  What do they want to know?  What does God want them know? 

One local school district begins “the talk” by teaching 3rd graders about the “3 -ates of the animal world”: defecate, urinate, and procreate.  By the end of the 4th grade year, the curriculum focuses on how human bodies change in order to procreate.  The “what” of sex is presented, but the “why” is absent.    

I recall my gym teacher presenting “sex ed” like a real life Mr. Potato Head, the goal being to correctly label the diagram and pass the test.  Unfortunately, the more influential sources of my sex education included television, late night cable movies and pornography that other guys brought to school.  Clearly, this is not how or what I want my kids to learn.

Unfortunately, although my son isn’t in school, he’s already seen highly sexualized images.  Not as a result of unrestricted access to mobile devices or Netflix but because he looked around in the checkout aisle of the grocery store.  A few weeks back, a topless woman on a magazine cover caught my eye in the checkout aisle.  Yes, in the checkout aisle right next to the candy display!  Our kids are exposed to sexual saturation daily.  Conclusion?  The sex ed we find in most schools explains the what but rarely the why. We need to be ready to talk about the what of sex and more importantly the why.  

Why sex?  In Genesis chapter 2:21-24, we read of the first marriage.  God created man and woman and gave them sex.  This act unites husband and wife, brings joy and creates intimacy.  Sex reflects a part of who God is; existing harmoniously in three persons: Father, Son and Holy Spirit.  A closeness that we still can’t quite wrap our minds around.  Similarly spouses can speak wordlessly with a raised eyebrow, a smile, or just a look.  The richness of the relationship is such that often, words simply aren’t necessary.  I want to help my kids understand God’s purposes for sex so they don't settle for Cosmopolitan’s. 

Some resources to help you begin "the talk":
Christian Post
Covenant Eyes
Crosswalk
Focus on the Family
Josh McDowell

Be A Translator

I was recently speaking with a couple young adults, trying to understand their relationship.  They had been out together on what I would generally term “dates” a handful of times.  They seemed to like each other, and so I asked them, “what’s going on in your relationship?  Are you two dating?”  With a look I would peg somewhere between sheepishness and horror, the guy emphatically told me that no, they were not dating, and that what they were was complicated and not easily defined!

Once upon a time in our society, sex was reserved for committed, monogamous relationships.  The progression went something like this: Talk->Date->Commit->Sex.  Sex certainly transpired outside of marriage, but only in committed relationships.  Dating was casual, and sex was serious.  For emerging generations, the progression is nearly inverted: Sex->Talk->Commit->Date.  Sex is casual; dating is serious, and indicates that the relationship is heading somewhere.  Earlier when I had asked the two young adults if they were dating, they heard me asking a very different question! To them I might as well have been asking if the caterers were hired and the tuxes ordered!

Sex has become so casual, that there is an app for that.  Tinder and Grinder, available on multiple mobile platforms, are designed to make hooking up for casual sex as quick and easy as possible. Sexting – the practice of sending nude photos of oneself to others through text message - has its own app: Snapchat.  It really does seem like our attitudes toward sex increasingly resemble those of the Corinthians from the first century, when Paul wrote his letters.

While the millennial generation is again redefining social attitudes toward sex, and even our language, they remain on a path set in motion long before by their parents and grandparents.  Yet even as emerging generations continue to push off marriage and family commitments (only 20% of 18-29 year olds are married today, as opposed to 59% in 1960), the landing point for these attitudes is still in flux.  Although a majority of adults now indicate that sex beyond marriage is acceptable, millennials appear to have fewer sexual partners than did their parents.

When we in the church encounter this kind of information, we have the tendency to throw our hands up in the air and lament our quickly changing world.  “Kids these days” don’t treat sex with the respect that it deserves, and we can’t even talk to them about it because they are changing the language too!  Yet maybe a better approach for us would be to understand every conversation with a young adult to be a missional conversation.  We don’t speak their language, and they don’t necessarily share our values.  They probably don’t even share the framework of our worldview.  When I speak to high school students, I am always sensitive to the fact that they don’t often have a firm grasp on Biblical events or theological language.

Sex is good! God created it, and he has embedded it with both purpose and pleasure.  Our world continues to warp the act of sex, and where we might eventually land as a society is not entirely certain.  Yet as Christian, we know that our scriptures and our faith have a lot to say on the topic of sex.  Young people in the church need to hear the hope of the Christian sex ethic.  Will you be a translator?